Last April I wrote my first blog I called “The Deafening Silence-35 Days” I decided to begin writing after realizing that the pain I was experiencing at the loss of my Evan was something deep and profound. Something so real and so devastating that at times it felt like I was shattered. I often said […]
Category: The Deafening Silence
Tomorrow it will be 7 months have since Evan passed away and this has been the longest summer of my life. As August came to a close I commented to a friend that I wasn’t crying every day…mostly tearing up at the little things that still remind me of Evan. Songs, the one voice mail I saved-actually […]
Prior to last night I’ve only had 2 dreams about Evan that I remember. Dreaming was VERY key in our relationship as we often had the same or similar dream. So after he passed I naturally assumed we would continue our active dream work/life. Not so fast. I had 2 dreams within the first month […]
Blog: 11:11 The Great Awakening | The Deafening Silence | Uncategorized
My (insert person here) died. Why can’t I hear or feel them?
This is the NUMBER ONE question I get. Every day. 100 times a day. And I figured instead of answering it 100 times a day (which I do) I’d spend a few moments addressing it right here for all of you that are hurting over the loss of someone-or many people-that you love. We’ve all […]
I’m in a funk this week. I admit it. I’m tired and I want to cry and I miss Evan and I just want to create something different right now and I know I have to lose 20 pounds because that’s what The Boys are telling me and wonderful things are coming but I just […]
I was pretty social this weekend-which felt great. Friday night was “Girls night” and we had a great evening! On Saturday I had a lovely date at a quaint Irish Pub in Winter Park, FL with a truly lovely gentleman. Afterward I noticed that my little brother Rob who occasionally DJ’s on the weekends www.robadopolis.com had a […]
It’s been several weeks since I’ve updated my blog. There are several reasons for that. The biggest being that I didn’t want to. I was doing things. Accomplishing things. Growing things-especially my amazing plants with my new green thumb! I had surgery. I recovered. I did my radio show, did readings, guided my children, cooked […]
When Evan first passed away just 2 1/2 months ago I spent most of the day-every day for weeks thinking about him. I was either replaying things we did or said or thinking about what I was doing without him and how much I missed him. I constantly looked at old videos and photos, listened to […]
I want to talk about love today. After someone dies love becomes something confusing in many ways. Think about it. They die. Their Facebook becomes memorialized, their lives are tucked away neatly, cleared out, dealt with-sometimes with lots of unnecessary drama. And in the end their lives are placed into the “memories” category. But what […]
This past week I discovered something so amazing I had to share with you guys. I had coffee with my new (and quickly dear) friend Ann Marie a few weeks ago and she told me about a DNA test she’d done where a particular portion was missing. It was the gene that creates “feel good” chemicals […]
After someone very very close to you passes away you find yourself trying to figure out what to do with your time. Evan was such a huge part of my day, hell my life! From his “Good morning sexy lady” (or something similar) text at 7:12 every single morning to his call around 10:30 as […]
Some days are awesome. I see light and feel happy all day. And some days are really hard. Yesterday was a hard day. As I thought about why I realized that it’s the days when Evan is very active and I can feel him strongly that I miss him more. At least I think that’s […]
Today I’m being shown VERY clearly that in all things we are to try our best to choose to FEEL happy. Easy? Nope. It’s raining and I miss Evan…but it’s like this whisper telling me to stop feeling sad and to just feel happy. Probably why he sends me that song all the time […]
I’m going to the ocean this weekend. It’s going to rain at least on Friday night and Saturday but that’s ok. It matches how I feel so often these days. Like my friend Cindy says of rain, it’s peaceful and cleansing. She’s from Seattle, I’m from Maine-guess we got used to rain lol. Anyway I […]
Grief. It’s a horrid bedfellow. Following you around, sitting where you sit, interrupting happy moments-tapping you on the shoulder to remind you it’s still around and must be acknowledged like a needy stray dog. I’d rather have the needy stray dog. It tries to rob you of your peace and any tranquil moment is almost […]
In the days following Evan’s passing he began sending me (and thousands of you) signs that he was around and happy. A lot of great songs he sent really helped me deal with this loss. One of them was “Happy” by Pharrell Williams. Every time it comes on I can see him doing his silly […]
This week I had the absolute joy of going to watch VoicePlay in Mount Dora. For those not familiar with them they are an entirely acapella group-5 guys. 2 of them worked in the BeetleJuice show with Evan for many years. This was the first time I saw Geoff (Frankenstein) and Tony (Dracula) since Evan passed […]
We go through life. Some things feel SO good to us and we run toward them. Some feel not so good and we hi-tail it out of there as fast as we can! This keeps us from getting ourselves into situations that aren’t going to turn out well for us. This is a good thing! […]
When I was a kid I hated rainy days. Well most of the time, unless they got me out of something like yard work. As an adult rainy days usually bring a feeling of calm and yet a bit of sadness. Not sure why. Today it’s raining and I feel very calm and a little […]
Had a busy day yesterday. It was my daughter, Jaden’s 15th birthday. It was a beautiful day. When I woke up and realized it was Sunday I instantly felt sad. As you know Sunday was my favorite day of the week when Evan was alive. Within a few seconds the song “She Keeps Me Warm” […]
Its funny when you lose someone how the little things you never really paid much attention to become paramount. Huge. Like the different days of the week. I can relate each day to something I shared with Evan. Monday. His day off. He was always at my place because he’d stay after we did the […]
In just 39 days I’ve learned so much about grief and it’s living, breathing process. It’s ALWAYS there like a rude friend that won’t take no for an answer. It sits beside you and walks with you everywhere you go. Grief is a dick. But like anything hard and painful it’s here to teach you. […]
People tell you a lot of things when someone close to you dies. They have the best of intentions-I have no doubt about that, but everyone’s experience is different. I’ve learned that these past 38 days. Can you ever be ready for such a horrific event? Can you prepare to watch the one person you […]
I remember that morning very well. Evan and I had been dating (not exclusively but getting to know eachother) about a month. He looks at me and says “I have to tell you something & you’re not going to like it” All kinds of things raced through my head but I said, “Ok. What.” He […]
Evan had a sweet tooth. No, seriously this one required intervention. Every time I’d show up at his place and actually any time he showed up at mine he’d have this little plastic bag from Universal Studios (where he worked). Like most things with Evan this little bag had a ritual. He’d pull it out […]
So Evan had a LOT of friends and people he loved over the years. A lot. As a 15 year veteran Special Effects Make-up artist at Universal Studios (some was him as SpiderMan haha) he has a huge network of people that love him. BUT after Evan passed I was astounded at the outpouring of […]
That first night-hell the whole first couple of weeks are a blur. I’d just passed my 90 days as a non-smoker the day Evan passed. He was pretty darn proud of me as I was of myself. But that night someone pressed a pack into my hand (grateful for that actually) and I smoked-a lot. […]
35 days. So many times the passing of a month meant very little to me. Rushed through with so much to do. But not this time. 35 days that have changed my life so profoundly that I’m not even sure who I was before. Was I happier? On the surface I’d say yes without thinking […]
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