I’m going to the ocean this weekend. It’s going to rain at least on Friday night and Saturday but that’s ok. It matches how I feel so often these days. Like my friend Cindy says of rain, it’s peaceful and cleansing. She’s from Seattle, I’m from Maine-guess we got used to rain lol.
Anyway I haven’t been back since Evan died. It was our place. Where we would go to recharge and process. After Talia passed away in July, 2013 we escaped there to fully allow all of what had happened. If you are unfamiliar with Talia’s story, listen to the episodes we did in the month of July beginning with This One. Then the rest of July (She passed July 16) VERY powerful experience. Very life changing.
We’d go to the beach and be silly. Just the two of us. Never as a couple. Just as best friends. In fact, we never went as a couple. We had plans to go in March for a weekend. But then he left and that all changed.
I think I’m sad today. Some days are harder than others. It’s been 60 days today. 2 months basically. 2 months is a long time. 2 months is nothing-a blink. But it’s real. When I woke up the first few weeks I’d lay with my eyes shut as I’d remember he was gone. I’d open my eyes, look at the ceiling and say “It’s still true”…because it was and is. And don’t think for one second that it isn’t hard for me. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I used to tell Evan he was the hardest thing I’d ever done lol. He was. He was easy to love but he was so complex and in many ways wounded that his walls were up. Until that last day.
In January of 2013 Evan and I were best friends. We were inseparable. And we developed a deep, abiding love. It had little to do with male/female and everything to do with our path. Our purpose. Our work. You. All of you. And we knew it. But at the same time it was so hard because the love was so great and the attraction was obvious that it was frustrating. I’d question him as to why he was so certain if we dated back then that he’d hurt me. He was certain. Over and over we’d have that conversation lol. I was relentless because I didn’t understand. Until one day he said something that really made sense to me. He said,
“Jamie. I’m going to tell you something from the heart. Yes. There’s a wall up. I put it there. You aren’t imagining things. And I need that wall to be there. So imagine we are both walking in the same direction side by side. There’s a brick wall between us like the Great Wall of China. We both know we are a few feet away from eachother but can’t touch or see eachother. If you close your eyes there is no wall and you can feel my love. And every now and then there’s a hole in the wall-we reach our hands through or look at eachother. Or maybe we reach over the wall sometimes and touch. And on rare occasions we jump up and meet at the top of the wall. But yes. The wall is there. And I believe that one day I’ll just crumble the wall, take your hand and we will keep walking. We are both going in the same direction and technically together on the same purpose. I just need time to heal.”
Wow. That really impacted me and I couldn’t argue with it. So I was patient. Mostly. LOL. As time went on that wall began to get smaller and smaller. In November 2013 we started dating and became official in December. But still there were pieces of that wall. A few weeks before Evan passed we were at his house and he pulled out his sketch pad to show me some Cos-play designs he’d come up with. As he flipped through he came to the last page in the book. I was stunned. There on the page was the bare sketch of a man walking toward you and a wall. A crumbling wall. I was stunned but I just said “That’s beautiful”. I knew not to make a big deal out of it.
A few days later I asked him, “Babe, that picture you are drawing. The one with the guy and the crumbling wall. Is that us?”
He said, “Duh.”
Evan couldn’t tell me the wall was coming down so he used art. His way of expressing himself. I loved it. I have that picture and I’m planning to frame it. I thought I’d share it with you. I look at it and it’s so sad and beautiful. I’m so grateful for the time I had with Evan. And I’m so grateful that even for just a short moment he was mine and I was his. And he’s still here, urging me forward. Putting all kinds of things in my path to keep me going. My catalyst lol. After Evan left he sent me the song “Bastille” by Pompeii and the lyrics are astounding:
I was left to my own devices
Many days fell away with nothing to show
And the walls kept tumbling down
In the city that we love
Great clouds roll over the hills
Bringing darkness from above
But if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
Nothing changed at all?
And if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
You’ve been here before?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
We were caught up and lost in all of our vices
In your pose as the dust settled around us
And the walls kept tumbling down
In the city that we love
Great clouds roll over the hills
Bringing darkness from above
But if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
Nothing changed at all?
And if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
You’ve been here before?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
Eh-eh-o eh-o [4x]
Oh where do we begin?
The rubble or our sins?
Oh oh where do we begin?
The rubble or our sins?
And the walls kept tumbling down (oh where do we begin?)
In the city that we love (the rubble or our sins?)
Great clouds roll over the hills (oh where do we begin?)
Bringing darkness from above (the rubble or our sins?)
But if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
Nothing changed at all?
And if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
You’ve been here before?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
If you close your eyes, does it almost feel like nothing changed at all?
Life isn’t a straight line. And we all have things that hurt us. We all react in our own way. Some put up walls, some take them down. Which one you choose is totally up to you. Me? I’m choosing to keep my walls down. To choose love. To choose healing. To choose to allow all that is. To choose to be willing and wanting. All of it. This is a grand adventure we are having. And everything we experience is part of this human experience. But never forget that within that carbon based body of yours is an infinite spirit with a birthright of Divinity. You simply have to remember it. Wake up my friend. As I told Evan’s (and now my) dear friend Tony Isenhour last night over a gorgeous glass of white Sangria at OLV-“You’re a wizard Harry” (circa Harry Potter) because you ARE. It’s fascinating how many of you have no idea. Evan knew. He didn’t know when he met me but he figured it out really fast. He knew that this is just a short adventure that we created this thing called “Time” for. There IS no time! If time were real we wouldn’t have de ja vue! I know it’s a dream I’ve had before because I can usually remember dreaming that scene. Then I watch it play out and can say what will happen next. LOVE IT. Because I believe we come here all in one moment. It helps the ticking minutes go by faster. I talk a lot about this in my book, Answers.
Anyway, I’m rambling today and that’s ok. I allow myself to process this loss any way that works. Sometimes I watch his old videos for hours, I listen to our recorded archives of Cosmic Caffeine every single night. I look at photos or scroll his wall back to when he was posting on it. I’m the same as you. But along with all of that I allow my mind to wander and to grasp what we really are and why we are really here. And THAT gives me hope and helps me know that it’s all ok. It’s all part of a grand design. 60 days can change you so profoundly you aren’t even sure who you were before that. And that’s ok too.
I am allowing all that is and I am willing and wanting….
This is just the beginning… #EWM333
Jamie
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